


In the Quiet Moments

by StoneyT456



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: 5x13 tag, Angst, Bonding Moments, Bromance not slash, Hurt Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), im still not over the finale so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:34:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24409639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StoneyT456/pseuds/StoneyT456
Summary: Missing scenes from The Diamond of the Day Part Two because you know that Arthur had more questions for Merlin.(Basically missing scenes from 5x13 where Arthur talks to Merlin about his magic because we were ROBBED)
Relationships: Guinevere/Arthur Pendragon, Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Morgana & Arthur Pendragon & Uther Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 58





	In the Quiet Moments

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I know it is May 2020 and I'm writing a Diamond of the Day fic, but honestly come at me, I'm still not over the finale.

"The person who defeated them was the sorcerer." 

Merlin couldn't handle this. He always dreamed of a moment when he would finally be able to tell Arthur the truth, finally live free with him. But never, never in his dreams did he picture it like this, a deathbed confession of sorts. No, he always thought that he would tell Arthur and the two of them would stand side by side. That Merlin would be able to protect the King of Camelot by using his magic openly and without fear. Not like this, never like this. 

"I'm sorry." 

Merlin watched his face fall. It was a split second, but he saw it. He saw it quickly replaced by disbelief. When he was younger, all those years ago, Merlin would say that Arthur thought that he was nothing but a servant, that he didn't have the power to be a sorcerer. But Merlin now, a Merlin who has stood by the side of this man for a decade, knows that the look of disbelief on his friend's face is because he can't believe that Merlin would hide this from him. Someone that he had trusted, once again betraying him. 

That is what hurt Merlin the most. That's what he knew hurt Arthur the most. That after the pain of all his betrayals, after the pain of lies from all his family, all those he trusted, that the one he never thought would do that to him, has been since the moment they met.

"Don't be ridiculous, Merlin." Merlin can see the hope in his eyes. He can see how he hopes that Merlin is wrong, that he's delirious. He can see how badly Arthur wants to believe that Merlin is lying. Not because of his hatred for magic, a hatred that never really was there in the first place, but out of hope that he had not been duped again. Merlin flashes back to when Arthur found out about Agravain. _He must of thought I was a fool._

With the slightest shake of his head, Merlin sees his face fall. "This is stupid," Merlin sees him shake his head, feels the grip on his shoulder slacken as if about to pull away, feels the _pain_ radiating from him, not physical but deep, deep emotional pain. "Why would you say that?" 

"I'm a..." he takes a breath. "I'm a sorcerer." 

And he sees the change in Arthur's face. The snap from disbelief to sheer and utter betrayal. A look that he never, not once thought he would see in Arthur's face while looking at him. He looks worse than Morgana's betrayal, worse than Agravain's, worse than Mordred's. This was deeper. This was more personal. Arthur's words come back to him again. _I need a servant I can trust._ And oh, how he'd broken it. 

"I have magic." Heartbreak, that's what his face shows. "And I use it for you, Arthur, only for you." 

Merlin can see the tear slip from Arthur's eye. But he still holds on. "Merlin, you are not a sorcerer, I would know." 

"Look, here." 

He raised his hand to the fire and made the dragon appear. He looked at it for a moment with wonder, hoping that Arthur would see the same amazement that he sees when he does magic. But instead he looks back and sees Arthur struggling to look at anything but him, sees him visibly struggling to get away... _from him._ From Merlin, the one who was always supposed to be his friend. 

"Leave me." 

The words hurt more than anything Merlin has ever felt before. "Arthur-" 

"Don't, just..." he takes a breath, Merlin can see how hard it is for him, the pain in his side and the pain of his revelation almost too much, "you heard. Just-" He is cut off when he moves wrong and Merlin can hear the painful grunt that comes from his friend. It adds to Merlin's own hurt, knowing that Arthur is in pain, possibly more pain than he's ever been in in his life, and there is absolutely nothing that Merlin can do to ease it. In fact, he probably made it worse for him. 

But Merlin moves away, because he knows that is what Arthur needs from him right now. He sits back down by the fire and tried to keep the tears from falling. Since he saw Arthur on that battlefield and carried him out, he never once accepted that Arthur might die. He knew that he simply _had_ to find a way to save him. He always did, and destiny be damned he was going to again. But he never thought that he could lose his friend in another way. That Arthur would completely cut him out like this. Even in Merlin's best case scenarios of Arthur finding out about his magic he knew that he would be hurt, but the sheer heartbreak on Arthur's face was something that he could have never prepared himself for. 

* * *

Merlin argues with Gaius, goes to water the horses and then argues some more. He can't bring himself to accept the fact that Arthur might die, especially not now. Not when Arthur is mad at him, not when he... when he hates him. He can't let him die. It's not possible. 

"Arthur," Merlin tries. At least Arthur slightly turns his head towards him. "We need to leave at first light." 

"I'll decide." If it were any other circumstance, any other time, Merlin would laugh at his friend's stubbornness. But it was not another time. His stubbornness was not out of play or just his crown going to his head, it was because he needed to feel some semblance of control in a time when everything around him was against him. Or at least he felt is was against him. Merlin tried to reassure him. 

"I can't let you die." Not 'I won't let you die' but instead 'I can't let you die'. 

"It doesn't change anything." And that, that stings Merlin. How could Arthur think that the only reason he was trying to save him was to save himself. After all that they had been through, all that Merlin had done for him. Why couldn't he see that everything Merlin had done was only to save him? 

Gaius interrupts his thoughts. "Let him sleep. It's getting late." 

And he does. 

* * *

Merlin tries not to use magic when the two men come to them. He tries not to use it so openly because he knows how much it will hurt Arthur. He knows that like the wound in his side the wound of Merlin's betrayal is killing him. But when it comes down to it, Merlin values his life more than Arthur's opinion, so he uses magic on the men. 

He doesn't even turn back as Arthur speaks to him for the first time since last night. "You've lied to me this whole time." 

Yes, Arthur knew that back when Merlin first confessed, but now that he can see what Merlin can do, that he knows that every single time that they had been captured that Merlin could have save them _easily_ the blow hurts even worse. 

Merlin doesn't say anything, just gets back on his horse and continues on. 

* * *

"Why don't you use magic?" 

Merlin turns to him, not quite meeting his eye. "Habit, I suppose." 

Arthur gives him a nod and Merlin feels a tiny spark of hope bloom in his chest. Arthur was giving him permission to do magic. Not that Merlin needed it, but the meaning of the gesture was far greater than Merlin could have hoped for. "Feels strange." 

"Yeah." Arthur mummers behind him with a lightness to his tone that Merlin thought he'd never hear again. That lightness is gone just as quick as it appeared. "Thought I knew you." 

Merlin snaps to him, calming down as he undoes his bed roll. "I'm still the same person." 

Arthur almost doesn't hear him. "I trusted you." 

Merlin doesn't know what to say to that. He hears Agravain in his head. _Maybe you and I aren't so different after all._ "I'm sorry." 

"I'm sorry too." 

What? This makes Merlin pause. What the hell does Arthur have to be sorry for? 

Instead he goes to his boots. "What are you doing?" Arthur asks more annoyed than anything else. 

Merlin is indifferent. "They need drying." 

Arthur watched him carefully. He doesn't understand. 

Merlin just quietly goes to bed as he always does, and Arthur spends the night keeping watch like he always does. 

* * *

"You need to eat." 

It is the farthest thing from Arthur's mind at the moment. "Why are you doing this? Why are you still behaving like a servant?" 

He puts down the soup. "It's my destiny." Arthur wants to scoff at him. "As it has been since the day we met." There is a fondness in his voice that Arthur feels in his bones. 

"I tried to take your head off with a mace." 

"And I stopped you." There's a twinkle in his eye. "Using magic." 

Arthur's face makes Merlin want to laugh. "You cheated." 

"You were going to kill me." 

"Should have." 

Just like that the mood is gone. "Glad you didn't." 

Merlin tries again. "I do this because of who you are. Without you Camelot is nothing." Merlin watches the familiar dismissal cross Arthur's face whenever he receives a genuine compliment. If Arthur could only believe in himself half as much as Merlin believed in him he would finally understand why Merlin did what he did. 

"There was a time when that was true but not now." And that was the truth wasn't it? Underneath all his confidence and bravado there was an insecurity that Merlin could never get rid of. If Merlin had to guess who put it there, his money would be on Uther and the years he spent quietly undermining Arthur over and over again. And though Uther was long gone that self-doubt he had diseased Arthur with still remained. "There are many who can fill the crown." 

Merlin just smiled at him. "There will never be another like you, Arthur." Arthur's small smile is genuine. "And I also do this," he thinks back to something Arthur once said to him, "because you're my friend and I don't want to lose you." 

* * *

His voice is only above a whisper. "Some men are born to plough fields, some live to be great physicians, others to be great kings. Me? I was born to serve you, Arthur. And I'm proud of that. And I wouldn't change a thing."

* * *

They ride for another two hours before they need to stop again. Merlin can see that Arthur is fading fast. As much as he doesn't want to admit it, he knows that they need to hurry. 

They both are side by side, Arthur slouched over next to Merlin on their horses. "We have to keep moving, Arthur." 

Arthur either ignores him or doesn't hear him. Instead he says something else. "You did tell me." Merlin looks to Arthur and sees that his face is in a sort of shocked smile. Arthur chuckles to himself and Merlin just looks at him confused. 

"All those years ago. When there was a magic sickness in the land and my father blamed Guinevere. You told all of us that you were a sorcerer." 

Merlin cannot help the smile that comes across his face. "And instead you told the court I was in love with Gwen." 

Arthur smiles at the memory. "My father would have killed you with no hesitation." 

"No offense Arthur," Merlin begins lightly, "but your father was a bit of a prat." 

Arthur turns to him as sharply as he could and then something in him softens. "You know, Merlin, I do believe that for all his faults my father was not a bad man." 

Merlin wants to interrupts, to point out all that Uther had done, but Arthur puts his hand out. "There was a time in my youth when I would have never dared questioned a command my father gave. There was a time I would have stood by his every decision." 

Merlin can see the drop of sweat that comes down Arthur's forehead, knows how much it is costing him to speak. "But I am a man now, a king." He pauses, looking out at something that Merlin can't see. "And I can admit that my father was wrong on many things. He was wrong in his aggressiveness, in his rush to violence. He was also wrong about magic. The death of my mother filled him with a hatred that blinded him to the truth. But despite all that I do believe that my father did what he thought was right. Even though I don't agree with what he did, he did what he thought would be best for the people of Camelot." 

Merlin looked at him and shook his head. "The prince I once knew would have chopped my head off for saying something like that." 

Arthur looked at him. "I am not that prince anymore, Merlin." 

Merlin studied him. No, no he was not. Back then he was an arrogant prat. Now, despite betrayals and lies and battle and death, he was stronger. He was kinder, fairer, more just in his decisions. He was the man that Merlin knew he would become. He was truly the Greatest King of Avalon, he was the Once and Future King. 

"You're right," Merlin said, "you are not. But you are so much better." 

* * *

"So you're not an idiot, that was another lie." 

"No," he smiles, looking back at Arthur, "it's just another part of my charm." 

* * *

"All these years, Merlin you've never once sought any credit." 

"That's not why I do it." 

* * *

They ride next to each other silently, Merlin constantly looking over to Arthur making sure that he stays on his horse. Suddenly, Arthur stops next to him. Arthur looks at him with a blank face. "Did you kill my father?" 

Merlin stops and blanks at him. "What?" 

"You were the sorcerer, the one I went to to save my father. The one who acted so strangely." Arthur tried to sit up and groaned. Merlin reached out to him but Arthur swatted his hand away. "I knew I recognized your eyes." 

"You're a lot smarter than people give you credit for." Merlin tried to joke. 

Arthur let it go. "Merlin," he looked Merlin dead in the eyes. "Did you kill my father?" 

Merlin sighs and shakes his head. "I did not kill your father, Arthur. Morgana had Agravain pace a necklace on Uther that reversed my healing magic. I believed that if I had saved Uther you would have realized that magic can be used for good as well as evil." 

Arthur looked stricken. "Morgana is the reason that my father is dead?" 

"I am sorry, Arthur." 

"And you knew?" 

Merlin kept his head down. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked again. 

"After you told me that you hated magic?" Merlin whispered aggravated. "You would have had me killed. You were blinded by your grief Arthur." 

Arthur looked hurt. "I wouldn't have killed you." 

"And as I said before, I didn't want to put you in that position." 

"I said I wasn't sure what I would have done, but I would have never killed you, Merlin. I couldn't of even if I wanted to." 

And Merlin doesn't have a response to that. 

* * *

"I don't want you to change. I want you to always be you." He pauses. Merlin can see him losing the battle for consciousness. He pleads with him to win. "I'm sorry for how I treated you." It sounds final, it sounds like a goodbye, so Merlin ignores it, looks for the future. Arthur's head lolls and he picks him back up. 

"Does that mean you're going to give me a day off?" 

Arthur's face scrunches. "Two." 

"That's generous." 

Arthur agrees, head looking all around until it drops, his eyes shut. 

Merlin puts his hand on his neck, partly to feel his pulse and party to ground him. He puts his head on top of Arthur's. "Get some sleep." 

* * *

It's late in the night when Arthur wakes again. Merlin had been trying his best to stay awake, to keep watch, but as he hears sounds from next to him he snaps out of his slumber. He turns to where Arthur is on the floor, his face twisted in pain as he calls out, grabbing his side. Merlin runs to him and grabs him, setting Arthur's head on his chest so he can hold him up. 

"What's wrong?" Merlin asks. 

Arthur's face is pale, paler than it was. "My side." He groans. "I can't... Merlin it _hurts."_

Merlin pauses. Never once since he had known Arthur does he remember him ever saying those words to him. "I know, Arthur." He shushes. "Try and go back to sleep. It will help." 

Merlin feels tears come to his eyes. For all his magic there is nothing he can do for Arthur and it is killing him. Arthur grabs Merlin's arm and looks into his eyes. "Why?" He asks. 

Merlin shakes his head. "Why what?" 

"Why is it that everyone I've ever loved has betrayed me?" 

Merlin's world collapses around him. He knows that Arthur does not mean the words as an offense or slight to him, but as a genuine question. Merlin had often wondered the same thing. 

Uther, his father, the man who at one time Arthur looked up to more than anyone else, tried to kill him after Arthur had worked to bring him back, just to seek his approval. 

Morgana, the sister that he never had, the woman that he would do anything for, that now wants nothing more than to see him slaughtered. 

Agravain, his uncle, the one who he trusted most after his father's death led an army into his castle. 

Gwen, the woman who would become his wife, the day before she was supposed to, betrayed him. Later, although under Morgana's curse, she would do the same. 

And Mordred, Mordred the boy that Arthur saw as a brother, the knight that Merlin was even jealous of, the man that Arthur refused to strike first, had cut him down. Merlin knew that Mordred's wound hurt Arthur, but he also knew that the fact that Mordred was the one who did it hurt him even worse. 

All those people and many more had betrayed Arthur. All those who he trusted. And now Merlin gets added to that list. Merlin grasps his hand. 

"I never betrayed you Arthur, not for one second. Yes, I did lie to you, but I only ever wanted to help you. You are my friend above all else Arthur." 

Arthur looked up at him, the hurt still in his eyes. "What do I do that turns them to this?" He whispered in a voice so low that Merlin barely hears it. 

A heartless chuckle escapes from Merlin. He is angry. Not at Arthur, but all those who've done him wrong. "Nothing they did reflects on you Arthur. You are a good and just king and they all knew that. Some were tempted by power, others had no choice. But never, not once, was it because of something _you_ did Arthur. You are good and you are kind, even though you can be a prat sometimes." 

Arthur chuckles at him. 

"And when they see your goodness they think that they can take advantage. They know that you would lay your life down for your men and your people know the same. You are good, Arthur. I don't know how many times I had to tell you that for you to believe it." 

Merlin can see that Arthur is hesitant to believe his words. He can see that Arthur is failing to keep his eyes open. Despite that Arthur grips Merlin's arm harder. "You," he take a breath, trying to stay awake, "you never betrayed me, Merlin." 

He can see the thanks in his eyes even as they close shut. "And I never will." He whispers, holding Arthur close. 

* * *

He watches his sister get stabbed in front of him and despite everything she's done, it hurts him just as much. Arthur doesn't know why it does, doesn't know why he can't stop viewing her as his sister, as his confidant and friend. 

Arthur understands little of hate. No matter how hard he tried he could never hold onto a grudge, never hold onto hatred. His father would say that that is a weakness, and at one time Arthur would be inclined to agree with him. But Arthur has seen what hatred does. He saw firsthand how it turned his sister, the violence hating, peace seeking, strong and independent woman he was so _so_ proud of want nothing more than his own demise. 

It is a secret that he kept within himself that not even Merlin knew. That secret was that Arthur knew that he could probably never kill Morgana by his own hand. He knew that if the moment ever came, he wasn't sure that he could actually do it. The guilt over this had kept him up at night, but it was true to who he was that he believed that there was always another way. That there was a way he could reach the girl that he grew up with. That she would remember the years they spent growing up together. When she and him would play together and she would comfort him after one of Uther's yelling fits. That she would tease him about girls and he would tease her about boys and they were inseparable. 

But he realizes now as he looks at her body, that she is not the girl that he recognizes. As Merlin lifts him up, he casts one more glance her way. He can't help the smile that comes to his face. Because Arthur believes that if anything is good in this world, that he and his sister will meet again as the girl that he once knew and had missed ever since she went away.

"Brought peace at last." 

* * *

They're walking now. Damn Morgana for scaring the horses off. Merlin can feel Arthur fading next to him, he can hear how his sword scrapes on the ground. 

"Do you," Arthur begins, "do you know why I didn't," he takes a breath, "didn't believe you had magic?" 

Merlin helps him along. "Because you're a clotpole?" He jokes, trying to keep Arthur moving. 

"Because," Arthur continues out of breath, "my whole life I was told magic was bad. Something to be feared. But," Merlin can hear him swallow painfully. He knows that whatever Arthur is about to say is costing him, but Merlin can't find it in himself to tell him to stop. "But you, Merlin, are nothing but good." Arthur stops and puts his gloved hand on Merlin's chest. "You have a good heart. And I... I always knew that." 

"Arthur, I-" 

"Don't talk Merlin." Arthur says instead. "Just know... that I know." 

* * *

"Tell Guinevere that I," he fumbles out the words, "that I love her." 

Merlin is panting with effort as they walk. "She knows that, Arthur, but you can tell her yourself when we get you back to Camelot." 

"I'm not... not going to see her again." 

"You'll see Gwen, Arthur, you will." 

Arthur shakes his head. "Camelot." 

Merlin's grip tightens. 

* * *

"We have to make it to the lake." 

"Merlin, not without the horses... it's too late. It's too late." 

* * *

"Just hold me." 

* * *

"Thank you." 

Merlin thinks that it would hurt Arthur to bring his hand up to his head, but Merlin realizes that Arthur probably can't feel it anymore. Arthur's grip in his hair is loose, but it is the only thing grounding him. He watches Arthur's smile, watches his eyes. He feels his hand fall as his eyes close. 

"Arthur, Arthur, hey." He tries, grabbing his face in his hands. "No, no." He slaps his face lightly. "Arthur!" He shouts. 

A spark of hope ignites in his chest when Arthur's eyes and mouth open. He feels himself smile. He won't have to say goodbye, he could still make it. 

"Hey," he smiles, "stay with me." He sees Arthur's eyes close again and his hope is ripped from him violently. 

"No." 

* * *

"I can't lose him! He's my friend!" 

In that moment he hates the dragon. "Though no man, no matter how great, can know his destiny, some lives have been foretold, Merlin. Arthur is not just a king, he is the once and future king. Take heart, for when Albion's need is greatest, Arthur will rise again."

* * *

Merlin doesn't know if it is revisionist history or his old memory playing tricks on him, but a thousand years later and Merlin doesn't know how, but he swears it is Arthur's hand that reaches out of the water that day. 

**Author's Note:**

> Un beta'd and written while watching 5x13 so any mistakes you can blame on the Merlin show writers because it is hard to write and cry at the same time.


End file.
